an 86 year old woman. Yes, that's right, she was 86!!
The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it
published in the New York Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which
I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between
his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the
funds needed to honor it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my
entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in
place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing
that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account
$30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has
caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls
and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the
impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your
bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh -and-blood
person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter,
no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check,
addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank
whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other
person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application
Contract which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am
sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know a s much about
him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be
countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of
his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities)
must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a
PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have
modeled it on the number of button presses required of me, to
access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say,
imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further.
When you call me, press buttons as follows:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR
ENGLISH:
#1. To make an appointment to see me.
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my
computer is required.. Password will be communicated to you at a later
date, and only to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
#8. To return to the main menu and again listen to options 1 through 7.
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put
on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting
music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client
(Remember: This was written by an 86 year old woman)
YA JUST GOTTA LOVE ' US SENIORS'!!!!!
And remember: Don't make old ladies mad.
They don't like being old in the first place,
so it doesn't take much to set them off.
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